Alone in the woods

Why is it actually so damn scary to be alone in the woods?

The answer is pretty damn simple, really: men.

At least, that would be my answer as a feminist, and simply based on my own experience. Because there is nothing in this life that I have learned to fear as much as cis men.

I actually make a certain distinction between trans men and cis men, simply because I assume that growing up within this toxic male world is not something you necessarily want or are able to carry over into your own life, even though there is supposedly no issue with socialization, as so many people like to claim. In essence, you do not have to be raised into a gender role from childhood in order to fulfill it.

I do think, however, that there is a significant difference between internalizing and adapting a social structure, meaning socially accepted behavior in an everyday situation, for example, and adopting a way of behaving that is rooted in chauvinism.

Toxic masculinity is a problem, just like toxic femininity is. But there is one striking and drastic difference: toxic masculinity is lived out through a willingness to use violence and through actual violence. I experience toxic femininity more as exclusionary, steeped in spite and mockery, and wrapped up in bizarre, half occult mantras about things like "naturalness" or some supposed innate ability that people are simply born with.

Women are not sacred beings. But there is no socially accepted form of femininity that tolerates, normalizes, or even demands coercion and abuse.

Sure, I sometimes feel uncomfortable around women too. Maybe because I feel like I am being judged, because I worry about gossip and nasty comments, or because I might actually be excluded. But I only fear for my physical safety when men are around.

And as a woman, you generally experience the presence of a man rather more like the presence of a predator, a wild animal waiting for an opportunity to pounce on a helpless victim.

That is why places where you would be completely exposed and helpless in the event of such an attack automatically feel threatening and intimidating. There do not even have to be any men around. The mere thought is enough.

"What if a man comes along right now?"

Or worse:

"What if it is a group of them?"

I have spent a lot of time in nature.

Ever since I was thirteen, I have gone outside whenever I possibly could. That was where I found solitude and peace from the bullies and from the misery of everyday life, which was shaped by violence, poverty and drugs.

When I was eleven, I experienced for the first time what it was like for a man, my music and singing teacher, to invade my personal physical space and try to touch me in a sexually motivated way.

Every similar assault I experienced later in life also came exclusively from men. Women tortured me in other ways, but I never had to fear for my physical safety in quite the same way.

During my survival training and later during my military training, I learned many things that made one fact painfully clear to me: people, and men in particular, are the real danger. Unpredictable and difficult to read. They smile at you, and the next moment you are being attacked.

The only truly protective measure is avoidance. Everything else can, at best, alleviate the symptoms.

I know the dangers of getting between a wild sow and her piglets. I know the unpredictability of snakes and dogs from personal experience. A viper will attack you once you cross a certain threshold, but it will always try to flee first. It will not risk everything unless its own survival is at stake. There is no malice behind it. No sinister plan.

People, and men in particular, have to be treated more like a volatile liquid. You keep as much distance as possible, avoid shaking the container, and if it does spill, the consequences can be devastating. There is no room for negotiation or rules of conduct.

As a woman moving between the worlds of masculinity and femininity, I allow myself a certain degree of perspective. In a sense, I know both worlds and I know what they look like from the inside.

I like to point out that if you really want to know what men are thinking, you should eavesdrop on a conversation between a bunch of "best buddies" in the men's bathroom. That is where the truly inhuman nature of some individuals reveals itself most clearly.

I used to get a lot of "advice" about how I was supposedly supposed to behave. Whether it was about becoming sexually active or about getting a woman to stay with me.

Conversations about utterly despicable acts are by no means rare. Men openly fantasize about rape in groups, and it is treated as normal.

If you refuse to engage with those topics, if you actually distance yourself from them and show disgust and revulsion, you can quickly find yourself pushed out of the group and the social circle. In my opinion, that makes the sheer normality with which this ideology is lived out even more disturbing.

I actually enjoyed being excluded that way. But at the time it also showed me that I seemed to have no place in any group whatsoever.

My female colleagues and friends accepted me into their circles, and I genuinely enjoyed working alongside them. But of course, they also saw me as a potential threat for exactly the same reasons I have described here. So they kept me at a distance for their own protection.

Understandable.

From my perspective back then, of course, it was also a guarantee of loneliness.

Forests are really no different from deserted streets or parking garages. They are places where you cannot rely on the supposed safety of a crowd. An attacker has a lower psychological barrier because they can hide and plan their approach.

But forests also have several advantages compared to enclosed spaces.

For one thing, running away is a very natural response in a forest. In general, avoiding confrontation is always the better option. Only when an actual confrontation becomes unavoidable should you fight back.

At least a forest gives you plenty of things you could use as improvised weapons.

It always helps me to think in terms of probability. For one thing, I try never to show up at the same place at the same time whenever I can avoid it. That makes it harder for anyone to plan an attack. The only real danger then comes from opportunistic attackers who happen to see a chance.

That reduces the problem somewhat.

It also helps me to keep myself mentally sharp. To trust in my own preparation and to have practiced certain actions that I will not go into any further here.

In the end, all of these considerations are nothing more than superficial treatments of the symptoms of the actual problem. They can make living under this kind of threat somewhat easier, but they never make the fear disappear.

How do you keep this from turning into paranoia and prejudice?

Good question.

I think you actually have to actively fight against cynicism and misanthropy, and keep positive examples in front of you like a torch in the darkness.

Unfortunately, genuinely positive examples are pretty few and far between.

The strongest tool I know against it is my own self love.

The more I learn to value and love myself, the less frightening the thought of being followed or attacked by men becomes.

But of course, even that has its limits.

A certain amount of sheer stubbornness helps me too.

The thought of "I'm not going to let this ruin my fucking life" or "I'm not going to let myself be locked away anymore" can give me courage. So I go outside anyway, even when I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Sometimes friends help too. You tell them where you are going, they get your location, or you call them while you are out.

But those are emergency measures more than anything else.

When I encounter a man, I always try to appear deliberately confident while remaining friendly. Sometimes all it takes is a slight movement of the head or a sharp look directly into his eyes.

It is certainly no universal solution, but many men back down when confronted with dominance.

Unfortunately, it can also provoke others.

So there is always a residual risk.

There are many theories in science dealing with conflict and criminal cases and with the reasons why offenders decide to act. That is why you cannot really say how someone is supposed to behave.

It is not a snake. It is not a wolf. It is not a bear.

It is a man.

The most dangerous and unpredictable predator on Earth.

Statistically speaking, the probability of being attacked in the woods specifically today is extremely low.

But who the hell wants to win that particular lottery?

What I generally avoid are conversations and social contact.

The closer someone gets to you out there, the greater the potential for an assault. That is why I have to get to know people in controlled environments, and when I encounter strangers, I do not engage in long conversations.

At least not when I am alone.

Whether that already qualifies as paranoia, I honestly do not know.

To me, it feels more like a healthy sense of fear rather than anxiety.

Anxiety tends to be about things that are highly unlikely, like being struck by lightning or abducted by aliens. Fear is more often about something that is actually plausible, like illness or an accident.

Somewhere in between is where I would place this feeling I get when I think about a man being somewhere in the woods.

Nevertheless, I will always happily go into the forest.

I will look for herbs and roots, enjoy the trees and flowers, and sit in a forest clearing to meditate.

The last thirty years of my life have been shaped by fear and escape, by exclusion and loneliness.

I think I have suffered through that shit for long enough.

So I am going to live the life I desperately want, without compromise.

Free, and as fearless as I can possibly be.
Take good care of yourselves out there.